Raising the Bar for Babies: Part 2 of 4

Politeness

By Guest-Blogger Tet George

So what does it look to raise the bar in the area of politeness and speaking properly? Does politeness even matter? Or is it just a bunch of antiquated social mores?

Politeness matters because it directly engages two of the principles behind our parenting- establishing authority and building character. You can start by getting into the practice of prompting politeness and respectful ways of interacting before your baby even speaks his first word. When you give your baby a bottle, get in the habit of saying aloud “Thank-you, Mommy” when the baby is finished. If your infant is reaching for a toy, say “toy, please.” Help the infant grab the toy, and say “Thank you, Mommy.”

It may feel silly to be reciting polite phrases to a newborn, but it will help you get used to the constant prompting that will be necessary once your baby starts using language. And just like with all language, the sooner you start using “please” and “thank-you” appropriately around your child, the sooner she will recognize their usage and meaning. By the time you’re in an automatic habit of scripting respectful language, you will probably find that your baby is saying her first words. With each developmental milestone, you can up the ante and expectation. If your baby is starting to repeat words, prompt your baby to make verbal attempts at the words you’ve been rehearsing.

Once your child reaches the point that he can express a desire clearly, you can reasonably expect him to express the desire politely. You can plan to repeat yourself MANY times per day. But if you require politeness and respect, your older baby or toddler will learn to implement them. This means EVERY time your child announces “Drink!” or “Eat!,” you relentlessly respond with “Drink, please” and wait until you hear the proper repetition until you fulfill the desire. And every time you meet a need, you prompt “Thank-you, Mommy” and make sure you get the proper response before your child delves into her desired activity (eating, drinking, playing).

Be willing to take the toy or drink away if the child does not mimic your prompted “thank-you.” Many kids pick up “please” faster than “thank-you” because there is a pay-off for “please.” So be ready for “thank-you” to take a little more time and effort, but be willing to prioritize it. If you tell your child that it’s time to be “all done” with a game she’s enjoying, when she starts whining, prompt “Ok, Mommy” in a pleasant voice. When you start to feel like a broken record, remind yourself that what starts out as rote mimicry will eventually transform into genuine gratefulness and respect for authority.

At around the age of two, you’ll probably find that your new talker loves to have the floor and join in your conversations, even if her contributions are mostly unintelligible. This is a great time to start training your child not to interrupt and how to appropriately get attention. If Baby Bettis starts making a request like “More carrots, please” while Bubs and I are in the middle of talking over dinner, we direct him to say “Excuse me, Mommy/Daddy” and then wait for us to look at him and say “Yes?” Once we’ve turned our attention to him, he can make the request.

Like each of these new expectations, it requires lots of scripting and practice before he will do it on his own. But once we’ve decided that it’s time to implement a new expectation based on his developmental level, we stick to it and try our best to prompt it EVERY time. Now that he understands the idea, we’ve adopted a phrase my sister (head blogger extraordinaire) uses with her daughter when she interrupts or announces a desire without the appropriate preamble. The prompt is “Start over at the beginning.” It gives your child the chance to re-start the whole interaction, from “Excuse me, Mommy” all the way to “Thank-you” after the request has been granted.

Teaching your child to tame their tongue may be one of your biggest challenges as a parent. James 3:6 says that “the tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” We have an opportunity to train our children to think before they speak and to use their words wisely. Let’s make the most of it.